The Fire that burns inside!
It's been a while since i wrote, and it feels good to write. It calms me and drains the ashes and wax after a candle burns out inside me. I am one of these beings driven by sparks, i love to explore and exploit thoughts and possibilities, sometimes i feel this small percentage of fear but no, not many moments do i want to let fear overcome me. I have learnt in courageous and passionate ways how to overcome fear. I hate the 'safe' zone, that zone where you settle because you feel 'safe'. That 'safe' zone to me is a dangerous one, it makes me feel like i am not living, like am hanging around and i can't stand that. Every time i find myself in that zone, i itch like one with scabies, i burn inside till it feels like am going to blow out!. I have to get out of that zone, then i feel like myself. Some people call it courage, others think i have lost my head, well, i just say i am living the best way i know how, i give every opportunity a chance, i push myself until i get to the limit. I don't just jump though, i weigh my options, see the worth and don't waste my time anymore on things that are not worth it.
We all have our lives. We live, we survive, we hang around, we do whatever it is that we understand is living. For all us, the choices we make brings out our differences. There are things we can't change. The kind of persons we are, the kind of things we choose to take or not to take, are what causes our choices to be different and what brings the beauty in life when we embrace each others differences, and/or on the other hand those differences bring hatred and judgement. I yearn for that time we shall celebrate the wonderful things about the differences that we have and just agree one on thing that doesn't bring any difference: Humanity!
Growing up in a society where the voice of a child was not highly regarded, me and many others had a lot burning in us, that we wanted to say or do but as it was said children were to be seen!, not to be heard. I can say and speak for some courageous people that this fire burned as much as we tried to suppress it. The grown ups would say something, and most times i seemed to have a different opinion over things but i kept it in and wondered how come this and that.. sometimes it burned too much and i said it out loud, and the shock on the grownups landed me in trouble. It was interplated as, if you were a child who followed all that was said to you and taught to you, you were humble and obedient. If you tried to ask or understand more, you were getting out of control. This brings to mind lots of incidences that till today amaze me. I remember one time when in a matatu(local bus) coming from school. Going to school and back was the worst struggle for me, but i loved my school too much i couldn't imagine changing schools due to distance, so i braved the cold mornings, the lifts on tractors, motorbikes, and the kms walks at 5am if the lift i was given went halfway. Anyhow that one evening i was standing in a full matatu, (i always squeezed between someone or even standing under someones armpits( oh! how i dread those rides), i was tired, with a 6kg bag on my back, full of homework, i got my headphones and small radio and started listening to radio. One woman said to me: 'Young girl, do your parents know you have headphones?, this is not a good behaviour for girls your age, this is a behavior for boys'. I looked at her, i had tears in my eyes, i did not understand what she meant, the flames burned and boiled inside and i exploded. In my tears i asked her, why is it ok that a boy my age can have headphones on and i can't? why does society think its not ok while in my school boys and girls are equal?
To cut the story short, that fire landed me in trouble, it got to my parents that i was listening to headphones and being rude to grownups in the matatu while they tried to shape me to good young girl behavior. My radio was taken away, it was a very sad moment for me, nobody understood why a child would be so sad about a small radio taken from her so she can concentrate on books, on the other hand, after my struggle to get to school, and a long day in school, it calmed me to listen to music on my radio, that was all, it calmed me. Why is it that nobody understood that music can calm down a young girl with no other agenda. That fire burns till today, if i would meet that woman again, i dont know what i would say but i guess she wouldnt get it because our thoughts are very different.
Looking at me now, i am happy, i am pleased with the choices i make in my life. I am happy that i have this fire that burns inside, i would be better of dead if it disappeared. I give people chances but i dont let them screwup my life anymore. For when we have our owns lives in our hands, then we have nobody to blame for the direction we choose except for us. As for me i want to burn it out, each day as it comes, i run from that safe zone cos it means living the same way everyday. i will exploit my possibilities courageously, and if i die doing it, i will not for a moment be a wandering spirit cos of unfinished business, i dont want that fire to chase me when its time to Rest. The words I WISH don't suit me well, eveytime i sit down after a day and say i wish, i did this and that, i feel disappointed, and i strive that the next day i will reduce the times i spill those words and by that i have had alot of fulfilling days. When i wish nothing because i exploited everything and all options.
I WISH (demn it!), that i listened to such lyrics those days i had my little radio on earphones, i am sure i would be much further in this journey called life! NO regrets though, I rise up and smile it out.
LYRICS TO LITTLE LIGHTS- Passanger.
We are born with little lights shining through the dark, and they show us the way, one lights up everytime we feel love in our hearts, one dies when it moves away. WE are born with millions of little lights shinning in our hearts and they die along the way, till we are old and we are cold, and we are lying in the dark, cause they will all burn out one day..yea.. they will one day burn out!
We all have our lives. We live, we survive, we hang around, we do whatever it is that we understand is living. For all us, the choices we make brings out our differences. There are things we can't change. The kind of persons we are, the kind of things we choose to take or not to take, are what causes our choices to be different and what brings the beauty in life when we embrace each others differences, and/or on the other hand those differences bring hatred and judgement. I yearn for that time we shall celebrate the wonderful things about the differences that we have and just agree one on thing that doesn't bring any difference: Humanity!
Growing up in a society where the voice of a child was not highly regarded, me and many others had a lot burning in us, that we wanted to say or do but as it was said children were to be seen!, not to be heard. I can say and speak for some courageous people that this fire burned as much as we tried to suppress it. The grown ups would say something, and most times i seemed to have a different opinion over things but i kept it in and wondered how come this and that.. sometimes it burned too much and i said it out loud, and the shock on the grownups landed me in trouble. It was interplated as, if you were a child who followed all that was said to you and taught to you, you were humble and obedient. If you tried to ask or understand more, you were getting out of control. This brings to mind lots of incidences that till today amaze me. I remember one time when in a matatu(local bus) coming from school. Going to school and back was the worst struggle for me, but i loved my school too much i couldn't imagine changing schools due to distance, so i braved the cold mornings, the lifts on tractors, motorbikes, and the kms walks at 5am if the lift i was given went halfway. Anyhow that one evening i was standing in a full matatu, (i always squeezed between someone or even standing under someones armpits( oh! how i dread those rides), i was tired, with a 6kg bag on my back, full of homework, i got my headphones and small radio and started listening to radio. One woman said to me: 'Young girl, do your parents know you have headphones?, this is not a good behaviour for girls your age, this is a behavior for boys'. I looked at her, i had tears in my eyes, i did not understand what she meant, the flames burned and boiled inside and i exploded. In my tears i asked her, why is it ok that a boy my age can have headphones on and i can't? why does society think its not ok while in my school boys and girls are equal?
To cut the story short, that fire landed me in trouble, it got to my parents that i was listening to headphones and being rude to grownups in the matatu while they tried to shape me to good young girl behavior. My radio was taken away, it was a very sad moment for me, nobody understood why a child would be so sad about a small radio taken from her so she can concentrate on books, on the other hand, after my struggle to get to school, and a long day in school, it calmed me to listen to music on my radio, that was all, it calmed me. Why is it that nobody understood that music can calm down a young girl with no other agenda. That fire burns till today, if i would meet that woman again, i dont know what i would say but i guess she wouldnt get it because our thoughts are very different.
Looking at me now, i am happy, i am pleased with the choices i make in my life. I am happy that i have this fire that burns inside, i would be better of dead if it disappeared. I give people chances but i dont let them screwup my life anymore. For when we have our owns lives in our hands, then we have nobody to blame for the direction we choose except for us. As for me i want to burn it out, each day as it comes, i run from that safe zone cos it means living the same way everyday. i will exploit my possibilities courageously, and if i die doing it, i will not for a moment be a wandering spirit cos of unfinished business, i dont want that fire to chase me when its time to Rest. The words I WISH don't suit me well, eveytime i sit down after a day and say i wish, i did this and that, i feel disappointed, and i strive that the next day i will reduce the times i spill those words and by that i have had alot of fulfilling days. When i wish nothing because i exploited everything and all options.
I WISH (demn it!), that i listened to such lyrics those days i had my little radio on earphones, i am sure i would be much further in this journey called life! NO regrets though, I rise up and smile it out.
LYRICS TO LITTLE LIGHTS- Passanger.
We are born with little lights shining through the dark, and they show us the way, one lights up everytime we feel love in our hearts, one dies when it moves away. WE are born with millions of little lights shinning in our hearts and they die along the way, till we are old and we are cold, and we are lying in the dark, cause they will all burn out one day..yea.. they will one day burn out!
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| me, 110m up in the skies. |
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